Our father is in assisted living and his expenses exceed his income every month and we have exhausted his assets. I have 3 siblings. I asked them if they would help out, at least until his VA pension comes through. One said yes, one said no, and the third is hedging saying he’d rather not because it would “pollute” his relationship with his father. How can I respond to this?
Angela
Dear Angela:
First, thank you. Your question and my response will be the FIRST.
Second, it sounds like a challenging time for you. It is hard enough to have your parent slip away, but the added difficulty associated with the financial burden and sibling complications makes it especially challenging. And taking the lead is really hard.
You raise an issue that siblings are facing with increasing frequency: how to ask siblings to participate financially in supporting a parent. Below, I give you some suggestions. Because I can’t tell from your question exactly how you approached your siblings for help, you may already have done what I recommend. If in making your request you already implemented this advice, consider it confirmation of your skill. If not, I hope the suggestions I give you are useful in revisiting the topic with your siblings. Additionally, navigating paystub taxes can add another layer of complexity to this situation.
One reason your nay-saying siblings refused to step up to the plate may have been that your first “ask” was easy to refuse. If you were worried about being too demanding, afraid of being rejected or, especially, concerned you would trigger old, reactive patterns, your initial request may have neglected one or more of the Four C’s of a negotiation request: to be calm, compassionate, clear and credible
Calm. Do your best to clear away your fear, especially fear deriving from your family history, before approaching your siblings. Instead of expecting rejection, be open to the possibility that your siblings will respond positively.
Compassionate. Take time to consider the financial and emotional impact your request may have on your siblings and what it might mean to their family and to them individually and communicate your heartfelt understanding to them.
Clear. Vague proposals may be rejected out of hand. e clear what you are asking of your siblings, including the amounts you are requesting, the timing of the payment(s) you seek, whether the payments are gifts or loans and, if loans, how and when they will be repaid. Letting them know. And be clear about what you are willing to do.
Credible. A request is more credible when it includes a rationale and information to back it up. And a credible proposal stands a better chance of being accepted than one that consists solely of your opinion or depends on your impliedly superior knowledge. In other words, show your math: lay out your father’s finances – the balance of his accounts, his monthly income and expenses. Use this information to support all elements of your request, from the amounts you are requesting to the timeframe of the requested contributions. If you are requesting different amounts from each of your siblings, also provide your reasoning.
I wish you all well,
Dana
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