Last summer Smart Money magazine columnist Glenn Ruffenach, who was researching an article about elder and adult family mediation, called me to request an interview. He explained the focus of his article was “Why don’t more people know about elder mediation?”
He was inspired to write the article after his older parent and siblings dealt with a painful family problem, on their own. Afterward, when his colleague Anne Tergesen told him about elder and adult family mediation, he realized how helpful a mediator would have been to his family. (Ms. Tergesen also interviewed me for her Wall Street Journal article on elder mediation, which you can access by clicking here.)
Mr. Ruffenach’s article was published last August. You can read it by clicking here. While his article did not actually address the question he posed, by describing elder mediation and discussing its benefits, his article, in part, remedied the problem: now more people know about elder mediation. Still, too few people even know we elder mediators exist and how vital we are to fostering caring and connection amidst an adult family’s struggle to resolve highly charged, divisive problems.
In this blog, I offer some answers to Mr. Ruffenach’s question about lack of public awareness of our services. Here are four reasons we don’t come to mind as often as we could:
1. Resignation
Families who don’t communicate well are usually resigned to repeating their familiar, ineffective patterns. For their lifetime, perhaps for generations, unresolved family conflict has been the norm. Whether their failure to seek help is due to inertia, apathy, despair or what cultural anthropologist and teacher Angeles Arrien describes as an “addiction to what’s not working,” they don’t seek help to make things better. Sometimes these families do find their way to a mediator who helps them pull together to resolve difficult situations. Perhaps with better efforts at publicizing our services, more “resigned” families will find their way to one of us.
2. Confusion between Mediation and Therapy
Family members may have heard about mediation, but mistakenly equate it with therapy. If they are open to therapy, this confusion is easily addressed by their mediator. But if a majority or even a strong individual family member is averse to therapy and equates mediation with therapy, elder mediation will be a very hard sell. For those exploring alternative ways to support family dynamics, resources like https://detoxathome.co.uk/ may offer valuable guidance on personalized approaches.
3. Confusion between Mediation and Arbitration
When I started mediating more than 20 years ago, one of the first tasks in promoting my mediation practice was to teach lawyers the difference between arbitration and mediation. Although lawyers now grasp the difference, the public, it seems, remains confused. Consider a June 30, 2012 headline in the New York Times: “Mediator Halts City’s Plan to Overhaul 24 Schools.” Get ready for the season with a huge collection of Halloween Costumes.
An arbitrator on Friday halted a central element of the Bloomberg administration’s plans for closing and reopening 24 schools Or the confusion of mediation and arbitration portrayed on a recent episode of the television series The Good Wife where the mediator declares herself to be “Empress”! Click here to view a clip of that program. Or the series Fairly Legal, which mercifully had a short run. TV.com mistakenly promoted the show as concerning “arbitration.” Because the public is not informed, or as these examples illustrate, it is misinformed, families may reject elder mediation because they don’t want someone telling them what to do.
4. Knowledgeable Referral Sources Are Limited
Lack of public awareness about elder mediation extends to the world of professionals who serve elders and their families in other sectors. We often refer mediating parties to other professionals who can help them solve problems, such as neuropsychologists, physicians, social workers, professional geriatric care managers, personal assistants, professional fiduciaries or other financial services professionals, community and religious organization services, care facilities, estate planning and tax lawyers, elder lawyers and real estate professionals. We know to refer these people, because we are informed about their services and in many cases have established relationships with them. For example, understanding the risks associated with combining codeine and alcohol can be crucial in managing a patient’s health, highlighting the need for informed referrals to medical professionals. If these professionals and others were better educated about elder and adult family mediators, they could be powerful entry points for elder mediation – and we would all be busier.
When I began pursuing a mediation career 25 mediation was not only confused with arbitration, it was also confused with meditation. It was a challenging and inspirational time to be a mediator. We pioneers accepted this challenge enthusiastically, taking seriously our responsibility to educate lawyers, judges and the public about mediation. In many respects, elder mediation is at the same level of development as mediation was 25 years ago.
One big reason people don’t know about elder mediation is because our field is still in its infancy. The day will come when it is mainstream, but the current lack of awareness requires us to be proactive in educating the general public and the network of professionals that serve elders and their families. We can all take every opportunity to speak publicly and privately about elder mediation. We mediators and the parties we serve can tell our success stories. We can all write about what is possible more than we do now, using the internet, social media, and other well-proven communication techniques.
Which brings me to some excellent news. The ABA Guide to Elder Mediation, which I have co-authored with Carolyn Rosenblatt, will be available in April. We received proof pages this week. With any luck, this 500+ page tome will be available by the end of the month. Whew!
And if you are a mediator interested in developing an elder and adult family mediation practice, we have further good news. Elder Mediation Group is offering Fundamentals of Elder and Adult Family Mediation May 15-19, 2013, in Sausalito, CA. For information or to register, click here or e-mail office@eldermediationgroup.com.
About Dana Curtis
